Slices to keep #1

 I'm trying out a lot of new thoughts in feeling out my identity.  One I had yesterday was "This blog is primarily for me, therefore it's valid to decide to include something because it feels right and leave it at that."  Therefore, there are going to be a number of posts from time to time that are just parts of my life that I'd like to keep, and these may lack meaningful context for others.

March 31 - therapy notes
"A compulsion is an effort to reduce uncertainty tied to a fear."

22Shades — March 31
Ok, screw it - not the time to be clever, apparently.  Sitting here trying to find the right words is just twisting me up further, and this is the right server to share joy on.  I had the big scary interview with Gender Pathways yesterday and now the consent form for HRT is in my inbox; sounds like I'm going to start in about 2 weeks.  Having a horrible morning physically, and I think that's overflowing into emotion and making things harder for no good reason.  Bottom line, I'm mostly elated.  Which is to say I'm terrified, but there's a possibility of rather a lot of things getting demonstrably better in the future.  Maybe it's even the opportunities that that will offer that's freaking me out - I've made being broken so much of my self-definition that the idea of trying for more function from day to day is just intimidating as hell, because it just feels like so many opportunities to fail, again.  Poopy brain is poopy.

22Shades — April 2 at 11:05 AM
Hey all.  I have a few small announcements of sorts.  Firstly, it's time for me to let go of the [REDACTED] alias.  Due to a number of progressions in life finally starting to gel, it's time to cut ties with my former self, even though I've been [REDACTED] digitally essentially my entire adult life.  That's not the actual name I'd like to get rid of, but it has enough associations that I don't feel I can keep it and still obtain a lot of the mental advantages I'm looking for in a new self.  So, going forward, I'll show up as 22Shades, and have claimed 22ShadesofApathy@[REDACTED], if the mods need confirmation of continuity.  As an almost secondary thought, I'd prefer to be known as Sam, with the pronouns she/her/hers, in contexts where a realname would be appropriate, though that's not likely to be a scenario involving many of you in the near future.  For what it's worth, I may not end up keeping either name, long term, but it feels like a necessary transitional step.  Thanks for putting up with me, as always.

Had to show off the new avatar to W2.  Her response: "you have no right to be that cute"  Yes, finally, I do.


The impulse is to hide who I've been, and to show who I'm becoming.  For the purposes this is going to serve, I think that's going to end up being healthy.


Also noticing bits of pride in cleverness and awful puns.  Self comparisons to the corniness level of Piers Anthony are not bounching off entirely, nor landing as negative and judgemental.  Besides, as I reminded my daughter this morning, Dad jokes are for everyone.  Maybe it's ok to show off the clever a little; it may be self-serving, but there's pride there nonetheless.

22Shades - April 2 at 1:45 PM
I'm conscious of hearing my own voice and not utterly hating it.  Feeling myself moderate it reflexively; Sam is happier, is allowed to show it, even expects herself to show it, though that feels somewhat less healthy.  Bit of an old biddy, though - definitely channeling shades of Euphagenia Doubtfire, in places.  Feeling butterflies when W2 said "Hello, Sam".  Turning this over and over in my head, there's only one person who I care about keeping this from, my father, and even that is for some pretty contorted reasons that I'll have to confront, eventually.  I can't face crediting him with any responsiblity for my problems and attitudes, face to face, because I feel like he got it passed direct to him by his own father/upbringing.  At the same time, this disallows offsetting some level of blame for my own attributes that have been inheritted.  Had partner and dating talks with W2 without feeling possessive in wrong seeming ways.  There's a pleasant unknotting that seems to be rather gingerly disconnecting from being utterly responsible for her happiness, in my head, and therefore also responsible for her unhappiness.  It's not landing as threatening for her to have other sources for positive emotion, in the arenas that I used to feel competent, and are thereby threatening to touch now.

22Shades — April 6 at 2:53 PM
< in a weird double layer mood at the moment, like actively watching my brain try to self sabotage.  Case in point, dropping in at this very moment is me confronting that feeling of waiting longer than acceptable to check in, which then pushes me further awaay.

22Shades — April 6 at 2:56 PM
like I said, it's coming in a weird layered thing, where I'm seeing a bit behind the curtain as things don't go quite how I'd prefer, especially in cases of willpower

22Shades - April 6
Server prompted a survey of favorites, felt like responding myself, mostly to see what I came up with.  Trying on the idea that these don't have to be the end all be all answers, or even particularly good ones.  They're just what's in my head right now.

I ended up coming from a slightly odd angle on these, in that it's mostly stuff that I've made part of my self definition, in a way, but to hell with it.  See what you think

top 5 music

White Zombie - Thunder Kiss '65 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPNFVj-pISU)
The Cranberries - Linger (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPNFVj-pISU)
Led Zepplin - Immigrant Song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlNhD0oS5pk)
Miike Snow - Ghengis Khan (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_SlAzsXa7E)
DATA - Don't Sing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37eEUsd1ASA)

top 5 movies

The Fifth Element (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ9RqgcR24g)
The Princess Bride (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNNUcHRiPS8)
Labyrinth (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2yd4em1I6M)
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__PnD1HWXSo)
Falling Down (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BD5ofrSNDFA)

Honorable mentions - Push, The Last Starfighter, and Groundhog Day

top 5 games
Bionic Commando (Original NES version) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0y6NZmPJD9U)
Super Mario 2/3 (roughly equivalent scores from very different directions, to me) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZSjpVEdH6Y) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Na8rqq47gi0)
Chrono Trigger (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ISqDoFKGeU)
River City Ransom (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7xeGpoCScs)
Borderlands 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qb1uErOijbY)

Honorable Mentions - Minecraft, Terraria, Starbound, Path of Exile - All great games, that scratch my mental itches in just the right way, but ultimately end up failing to create a formative bond due to the lack of immersive story

This isn't everything I want to keep from the last week, but lets try out letting that be for a bit.  I can always come back.

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