Something unexpected

I have a new girlfriend, R! I've been hemming and hawing over how to introduce the idea, here, clinging to the vestiges of shame over being judged for having a relationship structure outside of the "normal" model. Realistically, that ship sailed a while ago, possibly even before I came out as transgender. Oh well. Bad mental habits take a while to get over, even when you're trying. The people that know and care about me enough to matter are aware already, and have had the time to wrap their heads around the basics of polyamory and ask questions. The bottom line is that my wife, E, and I have been philosophically poly from the very beginning, and have had many lively discussions about what that means to us that have only made us surer of each other. She's just had more opportunity to explore the idea, functionally, which is likely largely due to her being wonderfully social and outgoing, and me being not so much. I'm doing scads better there, though, even if it comes out rather sporadically. Being able to separate myself mentally from some of the bits of myself that I don't like by realizing that they were only relevant to (deadname) has helped a lot.

I think too, that E's family have been helped along the path to acceptance by seeing how much happier she's been with her current primary boyfriend, who has been around for months now, has made it to numerous family gatherings, and is a genuinely great and accepting guy - in a weird way he's been one of my staunchest male supporters, vying neck and neck with my brother in law for the title. Depression and withdrawal and the fact that I'm actively trying not to be the person that she married have meant that my marriage with E has been badly lacking in numerous dimensions for years now; it's like watching spring return to see her light up again. It's also been a few months that have been hard to be around for me - as much as I like the guy and see how much happiness he gives her, it has stung a little bit that I can't have that with her any more. Lots of midnight OCD cycles spent trying to forcibly correctly label what I was feeling as envy, rather than jealousy. I've wanted both of us to be happy and to have those kind of experiences, and I let myself drift into an amazingly firm resolution that maybe I was past the point in life where I could have that.

"Finding" R has been a rather long process, actually, if you look at it chronologically. We came into each other's orbit last fall at a trans meetup, and she immediately got my attention. Conversation drifted into electrolysis treatments, and it turned out that she had actually started out using my practitioner and was considering possibly entering the field. Those few moments snagged me pretty good; I got to see her completely light up with enthusiasm for a pet subject, an experience I've continued to find enthralling and addictive. Memory issues have kept me from holding on to too much more of the interaction, but I remember looking up at her (gothy goddess with shoes to match gave her an inch or two on me) and feeling a weird wave of reassurance at the thought that I could be so strongly attracted to someone taller than me (nothing like women's clothing to give you a size complex) - suddenly the idea of being conquered by some sci fi amazonian warrior seemed less like a wasteful idle dream and more like a plausible and desirable conclusion! Silly me, I think somehow I was so stunned by the relief of pressure from that shift that I completely failed to notice that the attraction itself might have realistic possibilities ahead.

Independent waves of social anxiety and depression had both of us keeping our heads down through to December. In fact, I managed to run into R incredibly briefly at a friend's birthday party, wherein I found myself rapidly succumbing to panic and only actually spent perhaps 20 minutes there for the 5 hour round trip on the bus. I still was delighted to speak with her then, mildly stunned that she remembered me. Suddenly I found myself quite bashful, wondering at the thought that I deserved a spot of any sort within her mind. Strangely this "discomfort" didn't feel bad at all; I may have been glowing cherry red for all to see, at least from the feel of it, but there was definitely pride mixed in as well. Really good thoughts in the middle of a terrifically uncomfortable night. R actually reached out to me a few days after the party via Discord, and really made a wonderfully compassionate impression at a time when suicidal ideation was starting to flit around the edges of my mind again.

A few days later, I managed to muster enough willpower to seek help on the Discord, as the coming weekend was looking dangerously bleak and lonely - I just wanted to be out of the house as much as possible. R answered the call, and actually took the reins throughout Saturday, allowing me to tag along with her and her wife to the myriad activities they had planned throughout the day. Plans for an evening together at a silent disco were thrown off by sudden electrical issues back at the house with E; apparently a breaker decided that it had finally finished out it's term of service and half of the upstairs outlets stopped working. This led to some serious freaking out and stress bombing on E's part, which helped me drop into a very calm and collected persona that's developed over years of emergencies to deal with such incidents. Apparently this made a bit of an impression on R, and I've certainly come out looking better for it!

After an evening of darting around hunting extension cords and torchieres, R and I continued talking through the Discord. Somewhere I found the gumption to mention that I'd really, really wanted to kiss her goodnight before going home. The next day I got to briefly introduce E to them before settling in to listen to R's wife at a local Irish jam; really quite a nice experience - musical talent garners respect quite easily from me, after my parents trying to shoehorn me into showing some with the trombone for entirely too long, I know what kind of effort and dedication are required. I continued to traipse along with R for the remainder of the day, with her wife flitting in and out due to other engagements. We finished the evening at a bar by the name of Doc Marie's, exchanging tales and flirty glances, stolen moments of skin touching skin feeling utterly electric. As the evening ended, I finally got to make good on all of the aborted fits and starts toward kissing; it was wonderful and awkward, and spoke of things just beginning.